Toughin It Out

Well, I'm making it thru the week. I didn't win the raffle for the free IVF cycle, so that's gone w/ the wind. I didn't expect to, but it would have been a nice surprise.

This week would have been my due date week (depending on which calculator you use). It was somewhere between Oct. 18th and 24th. So I'm trying to not get too sad. I may need an extra dose of Celexa though. A guy at work (did I mention I've gone back to work - it's great, really... gravy paycheck and all)...anyway, his wife is bringing their 4 month old by in a little bit. She's brought him by a couple of times, and I've struggled thru with a smile on my face. Hopefully today will be the same, but it's still hard.

I need to get back into reading others blogs. I miss keeping up with others, but then again, I tend to get too wrapped up into it.

Anyway, bye for now.

Still Around

Well, I'm still alive. Sorry I have been gone, but I just had to get away from the blog world of IF for a while. My regular OB/GYN put me on a mild anti-depressant which I must say is a good thing. I thought I was dealing ok w/ the first IVF not working, but things just went downhill. So she put me on generic Celexa. It has helped tremendously.

Anyway, there is an IVF seminar this weekend where they raffle off 3 IVF cycles, so wish me luck...

Well... It's Here!

Only two days left until my 36th b-day on Thursday. WAIT!... Before you wish me a happy birthday, there's nothing happy about it. I was supposed to be pg. And if turning yet another year older isn't bad enough, then there's mother's day on Sunday. Way back when this IVF stuff began, this week was the week that I had been either waiting on or dreading. And now that it's here, it's as bad as I had imagined. I just don't want to be here. I want it to be next week already. Every year, I seem to have a lot of anxiety about my birthday, and it's gotten worse since we found about our IF. Before, I guess I just didn't like being the center of attention or that people do stuff just for me. Now, it's a whole other can of worms.

On top of all this, there's DH's DD. I surely hope she doesn't wish me a happy mothers day or even worse, do something for me on this particular day... crap! How am I supposed to deal with it if she does?

I guess I'll just lean on my ol' friend... avoidance.

Hopeless

Well, I got the call. Beta was negative. Just as I expected. So, that's it. I am done here. I am to stop all meds and I removed my patches.

Thanks for all the support and well wishes. You guys are great! I will probably still lurk around out of habit.

As for my next step... um, well, I just had my first caffeine drink in 2 weeks... a big ole Coca Cola, and then I'll probably have my first alcohol drink in a little while... not sure yet what it will be, either a Budlight or a homemade from scratch pina colada... yummy... or maybe one or several of each. I just took a long, hot shower and then a long hot bath.

As for my next step on the IF front... um, well, I'm not sure. I had to talk DH into doing IVF this one time (1 fresh & 1 FET). I had hoped for more embryos to do more FET's but that wasn't the case. So, now it's back to square one. We are completely out of money, so I'll have to save up on my own and beg him to possibly do another one. It's not that he doesn't want a baby, he just can't justify spending that kind of money on it. As for me, I could do it over and over at least a couple more times. I guess it's the desperation. As for now, it's time to lose about 20 lbs and try to enjoy the summer.

Wow, I sound really upbeat. It's weird like that. Maybe it's the estrogen patches, because on one hand I'm relieved and ready to move on, but on the other, I'm facing my empty life. That's what it is... an empty life, full of hang overs and avoidance. I've turned into a total freak. It's like I can't carry on a conversation with anyone, I can't relate to anyone (except you wonderful people). It's this big ugly thing hovering over my head... argh!

Alright, I'm tired of talking about it, and my eyes are burning.

1 day until Beta

And I don't feel anything other than AF type twinges/cramps. I'm hoping for a miracle. I don't have any sore bb's or any other pg type symptoms. I did POAS yesterday and got a BFN. It was not an early pg test, so I'm hoping it was just too early. I have been extremely moody, but I think this is due to this being IT (along w/ the estrogen patches). Anyway, at this point, it has either worked or it hasn't. Please let this have worked.

I have CRS... BAD!!!

I can't remember shit!... CRS! I can't remember if I take my vitamins & aspirin in the mornings. The other day, I couldn't think of a guy's name (at work) that I talk to on a regular basis. I forgot about the PIO that one night... CRAP! I just had a panic as to if I was supposed to have put on 4 new estrogen patches today. I had to break out the calendar and count back to a day when I could specifically remember having put them on. I couldn't think of what those little red bugs were called (and I was even looking at a picture of one)... um, a lady bug... helloooo ??? I mean, WTF? This has been going on since before the transfer, or I think it did... I CAN'T REMEMBER. I feel like such a scatter brain, and that is so not like me. Maybe it's the evil progesterone.

I feel like there's more... but once again, I can't remember!!! hahaha...

All In Knots

I wanted to report that, during the night, I had a weird feeling in my ute area. It wasn't really cramping. I don't think it was gas, etc. It was like a knot feeling, like my whole uterus was a knot (tight feeling). It was still there after I got up to pee and didn't get worse or subside, but it was just enough discomfort for me to be take note. This morning it was gone... I am at 5dp3dt.

Oh, I found something new to do while I'm awake in the middle of the night... I rub my butt to help the PIO knots go away. All the while I try to find the next place for DH to stab me in between them.

Just got the call from the nurse about my "Half Time" labs bloodwork. My E2 is at 196 and P4 is at 50. She said everything looks good and to keep on the patches and PIO.