I didn't really want to post about this, but I guess I might as well since it is life changing. Are y'all ready for this? Like me, you might as well be. I am just beside myself, trying not to freak out. I knew the day was going to come, but I just didn't know it would be now, right smack dab in the middle of this IVF/FET thing. (Deep Breath - I'll try to keep this short)... Ok, when DH and I started dating over 13 years ago, I learned that he had a daughter who was (let me do the math here)... about 6 or 7 years old. Well, the way it was put to me (back then) was that her mother (DH's ex) wouldn't let him spend any time w/ his DD w/o her there. Apparently they had decided not to get married and had been round and round in court about child support etc, etc. She wanted him to pay, but she wouldn't give the child his last name (as he wanted). So, finally DH basically threw up his hands and stepped back out of his child's life to allow her mother to raise her. She probably could have pressed for child support later (due to newer laws) but never did.
Fast forward to six years ago a couple of months before we got married. DH's ex showed up at our door and said his DD wanted to meet him. Well, it never came about for one reason or another. I guess the ex is not a drinker or a smoker and she doesn't cuss (but I guess getting pg at 17 or 18 is perfectly fine and dandy). So, this made my DH feel like he would be a bad influence on his now 14 year old DD. Because after all, we are the poster children of Anheiser Busch. We keep that company in business, I swear. Plus, he dips Copenhagen like a chain smoker, and I am an ex-smoker having now been quit for almost 4years (probably only b/c of this whole IF thing). Anyway, not that we are bad people, we just like to have a good time. So, when all this happened I was a soon to be bride trying to plan a wedding for goodness sake. It really wasn't a good time and I was relieved that it past. After all, this was DH's thing to deal with, and I'm not one to meddle.
Now, fast forward to two Saturdays ago (just days after AF showed up after the BFP that turned to a BFN), I go out to check the mail. There is a letter from DH's DD. I immediately begin to shake. I mean, I knew this day was coming, no big shock there. I give it to DH and his response was "it's probably a kiss my ass letter." I assured him that it probably wasn't and that she is probably wanting to meet him. I was right, partially. It was a very sweet letter telling us about her and her family. Yes, her family... she is married and has a daughter! OMG!!!! She is 20 years old and has a DAUGHTER about 2 years old!!! I AM AN INSTANT GRANDMA!!! I'M NOT EVEN A MOTHER YET (and may never be), but now I am a Grandmother... WTF! What kind of evil god is doing this shit to me! Crap, I lost it right there and then... I became a big blubbering mess for the rest of the day... where's the budlight and the valium!
I have sooo many mixed feelings about this. I have gone from being excited for DH to finally be getting to know his DD to being totally pissed off. Oh gosh there is so much more to say, but I need to collect my thoughts. I mean, what kind of mother was her mother that didn't stress about the whole teenage pg thing... helloooo! Maybe, it's me. I guess that's the norm these days. Like I said, getting pg at 18 is perfectly fine and dandy for these people. I now wish I had done it (or tried to do it) way back when... hind sight is 2020. After all, who needs birth control anyway. Hell, have 10 kids if you can and you want to.
DH & his DD have corresponded back and forth with letters and then emails and phone calls. She is really pushing to get to know us, and it is scaring me to death. I'm just not ready. He met w/ her this past Saturday and the visit went well. She even came by last night around 9pm w/ her DD, but I managed to be asleep on the couch and avoided meeting her. DH met her in the driveway and they talked a little. She was dropping off a photo of the two of them from the Saturday meeting.
Another thought, this may be the only "children" that I have and get to know. These may be the only people who come to visit me (at the mental institution - hahaha) at the nursing home one day. The only people who make sure they aren't abusing me in there. These may be the only people who cry at my funeral. I really want so badly to open my arms and my heart, but it is sooooo hard to do right now, the way things are. Holy crap! This is unbelievable, but I do feel better getting this off my chest. Maybe you all can keep me from going insane.
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Oops! I'm Infertile!
About Me
- Azalea Baby
- I am 36 years old and have been married for 6 years. My hubby and I have been trying to have a baby for 5 years. I have been living my life in 2 week increments with dissapointment after dissapointment. We have finally decided it's time to move on to IVF. This is going to be my diary and other ramblings that hopefully will have a happy ending.
My Timeline
- 04/23/08 - Beta - negative
- 04/16/08 - Half Time Labs - E2 & P4
- 04/11/08 - Thaw & Transfer Day - 4 day 3 embryos
- 04/07/08 - Day 13 (14) B/W & U/S
- 03/25/08 - AF arrived - Day 1 of FET
- 03/01/08 - Moving on to FET #1 - expect AF sometime around 03/23/08 & start Vivelle Dots
- 02/26/08 - AF showed up
- 02/20/08 - 3rd Beta - 137 - Game Over
- 02/18/08 - 2nd Beta - 422 :(
- 02/15/08 - 1st Beta - 309 !!!
- 02/04/08 - Embryo Transfer @ 8 am - transferred the best 3 8 celled grade 2 embryos and froze the remaining 4 8 celled embryos 3 grade 2 and 1 grade 3
- 02/03/08 - Fertilization Report from RE - all 7 fertilized and are where they should be - all are 4 celled w/ 4 grade 2 and 3 grade 3
- 02/01/08 - Egg Retrieval @ 8am - 7 eggs retrieved & will be fertilized w/ DH's frozen sperm via ICSI
- 01/30/08 - last Lupron Injection & HCG Trigger tonight @ 9pm
- 01/29/08 - last Bravelle/Menopur Injection
- 01/17/08 - IVF #1 Start Appt & start Bravelle/Menopur Injections
- 01/12/08 - take last BCP & start Lupron Injections
- 01/11/08 - Semen Analysis - some morphology issues
- 09/27/07 - 2nd LAP - Bilateral Tubal Ligation (cut/removed)
- 09/07/07 - 2nd HSG - Both tubes closed again and filled w/ fluid
- 03/17/05 - 1st LAP - Bilateral Hydrosalpinges opened and drained
- 02/02/05 - Endometrial Biopsy - normal
- 01/24/04 - 1st HSG - hydro suspected but both tubes patent
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3 comments:
wow. My heart goes out to you on this one. BRUTAL.
Let me just say this. It's okay to be angry at the world, that you're a grandma before being a mother.
I, personally, love my husband dearly, but, I don't know if I could handle it.
As for the getting pregnant at 18 thing, I was told when i was 21 that if i was going to have kids, that I should do so then, and i turned down the option, I want children, but, I would never have had the life that I have if I had kids at 21.
Wow - that is a hell of a lot to deal with at one time!! You have a right to feel angry - it's like a cruel joke, (those IF demons again) finding out you have a grandchild right after you just had a loss. I have no idea how I would deal with such a situation. I think it's completely understandable if you want to take it super slow and just aren't totally ready to jump right into the situation. You will open your heart when you're ready. It would be a difficult if you weren't dealing with your own issues - add that to the situation and it makes things even harder!
As for 20/20 hindsight... I have had the same thought... if someone told me in my 20's that I would have trouble conceiving later in life, would I have went ahead and had kids that early? Honestly, I would not have, because of so many issues (no stable relationship, my own immaturity, etc) Don't beat yourself up over not having kids when you were very young. You did what you thought was right for you and responsible (and no, I'm not saying that everyone who has kids very young is irresponsible). If you had kids when you were younger, you might be sitting here today, wondering if you should have waited to have kids.
I'm sorry you're getting all this thrown at you at one time.
ps - I did have to giggle at your Anheiser Busch comment. DH and I have a wine fridge and a kegerator because you know, no house is complete without a keg of beer available at all times!
WOW - I think thats all I can all say!
That's a lot to handle right now, not to mention becoming a grandma before being a mother!
As far as drinking - yes...when there is just two living in the house without kids.. I think we all support the beer companies ;)!
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