One of Two Is Done

Well, one of two anxieties is done with. I finally met DH's DD yesterday afternoon. She is sweet and cute, just as you would expect a 20 year old to be. And her DD is just as sweet and cute as a 9 month old is expected to be. The three of us (me, DH & DD) had a good, light hearted chat at the kitchen table. She seems very personable and genuine. Nothing too deep was discussed. Mostly, we ooh'd and aah'd and the baby who was discovering all the dirt on the kitchen floor. I desperately need to clean this house. I just hate house cleaning, hate it, hate it. The other anxiety (AF) is still MIA.

Actually there are four anxieties that I would like to get done with before the FET:

1) Meet DH's DD - done!
2) AF to show up
3) Finish project for work so I can do #4
4) Taxes - UGH! dreaded taxes

If #3 doesn't get done soon (like, by this Friday) due to people making changes, then it will be put on the back burner, and I will move on to #4. I just cannot wait until mid April to do our taxes. I absolutely refuse to wait until then. I will get them done, done.

Edited to add: AF has actually decided to show up today... yeaaaa! So, two of two (errr, four) things... done! I immediately put on a Vivelle dot, and then I called and scheduled my day 13 appointment for b/w and u/s for Monday, April 7th. Actually, this will be day 14, but my RE won't be there on Sunday, and I guess day 14 is fine. Then transfer will be 2 or 3 days after. We have 4 day 3 embryos in the freezer, and I am praying that at least 3 of them thaw ok. So, FET #1 has officially started.

Nothing New

Well, I was expecting AF to arrive yesterday. Of course, she didn't and still no sign of her today. So, I'm just waiting and doing a TP check quite frequently. As for the new DD, I did not meet her this past weekend. She is not quite ready, and I am somewhat relieved because I'm not ready either. DH did take her to breakfast yesterday (Easter) morning. It was just the two of them. I guess that was a good thing. This is totally unfamiliar territory, so I don't know what to expect, or how to act or anything. But, I am just not going to worry about it, or try to not worry about it... I guess. That's all for now. Like the title says "Nothing New".

Olive Branch

Ok, I just extended an olive branch. I responded to DH's DD's email for him. I told her that I am excited, yet nervous, about meeting her. That I knew the day would come, but I didn't know when. I also told her that I wish it would have happened many years ago. Now, I'm really nervous. I haven't had this feeling in the pit of my stomach in a long, long time. Like back in school when it was cheerleading or dance line tryouts. I didn't even feel like this with any of the IVF procedures, not even before surgery. I'm definitely gonna need a valium to meet her... just to take the edge off. I just so happen to have some from my dentist (believe it or not) for TMJ... woohoo, gotta luv my dentist.

Oh yeah, HAPPY SPRING!!! I have been waiting all winter long for this day... yeaaaa!

At A Loss Here

I didn't really want to post about this, but I guess I might as well since it is life changing. Are y'all ready for this? Like me, you might as well be. I am just beside myself, trying not to freak out. I knew the day was going to come, but I just didn't know it would be now, right smack dab in the middle of this IVF/FET thing. (Deep Breath - I'll try to keep this short)... Ok, when DH and I started dating over 13 years ago, I learned that he had a daughter who was (let me do the math here)... about 6 or 7 years old. Well, the way it was put to me (back then) was that her mother (DH's ex) wouldn't let him spend any time w/ his DD w/o her there. Apparently they had decided not to get married and had been round and round in court about child support etc, etc. She wanted him to pay, but she wouldn't give the child his last name (as he wanted). So, finally DH basically threw up his hands and stepped back out of his child's life to allow her mother to raise her. She probably could have pressed for child support later (due to newer laws) but never did.

Fast forward to six years ago a couple of months before we got married. DH's ex showed up at our door and said his DD wanted to meet him. Well, it never came about for one reason or another. I guess the ex is not a drinker or a smoker and she doesn't cuss (but I guess getting pg at 17 or 18 is perfectly fine and dandy). So, this made my DH feel like he would be a bad influence on his now 14 year old DD. Because after all, we are the poster children of Anheiser Busch. We keep that company in business, I swear. Plus, he dips Copenhagen like a chain smoker, and I am an ex-smoker having now been quit for almost 4years (probably only b/c of this whole IF thing). Anyway, not that we are bad people, we just like to have a good time. So, when all this happened I was a soon to be bride trying to plan a wedding for goodness sake. It really wasn't a good time and I was relieved that it past. After all, this was DH's thing to deal with, and I'm not one to meddle.

Now, fast forward to two Saturdays ago (just days after AF showed up after the BFP that turned to a BFN), I go out to check the mail. There is a letter from DH's DD. I immediately begin to shake. I mean, I knew this day was coming, no big shock there. I give it to DH and his response was "it's probably a kiss my ass letter." I assured him that it probably wasn't and that she is probably wanting to meet him. I was right, partially. It was a very sweet letter telling us about her and her family. Yes, her family... she is married and has a daughter! OMG!!!! She is 20 years old and has a DAUGHTER about 2 years old!!! I AM AN INSTANT GRANDMA!!! I'M NOT EVEN A MOTHER YET (and may never be), but now I am a Grandmother... WTF! What kind of evil god is doing this shit to me! Crap, I lost it right there and then... I became a big blubbering mess for the rest of the day... where's the budlight and the valium!

I have sooo many mixed feelings about this. I have gone from being excited for DH to finally be getting to know his DD to being totally pissed off. Oh gosh there is so much more to say, but I need to collect my thoughts. I mean, what kind of mother was her mother that didn't stress about the whole teenage pg thing... helloooo! Maybe, it's me. I guess that's the norm these days. Like I said, getting pg at 18 is perfectly fine and dandy for these people. I now wish I had done it (or tried to do it) way back when... hind sight is 2020. After all, who needs birth control anyway. Hell, have 10 kids if you can and you want to.

DH & his DD have corresponded back and forth with letters and then emails and phone calls. She is really pushing to get to know us, and it is scaring me to death. I'm just not ready. He met w/ her this past Saturday and the visit went well. She even came by last night around 9pm w/ her DD, but I managed to be asleep on the couch and avoided meeting her. DH met her in the driveway and they talked a little. She was dropping off a photo of the two of them from the Saturday meeting.

Another thought, this may be the only "children" that I have and get to know. These may be the only people who come to visit me (at the mental institution - hahaha) at the nursing home one day. The only people who make sure they aren't abusing me in there. These may be the only people who cry at my funeral. I really want so badly to open my arms and my heart, but it is sooooo hard to do right now, the way things are. Holy crap! This is unbelievable, but I do feel better getting this off my chest. Maybe you all can keep me from going insane.

Post IVF Follow Up Appointment

My RE didn't have too much to say other than it was just the luck of non viable embryos. There must have been something wrong w/ them. He referred to an embryo being like a cancer. It will invade and take hold if it is a good one. It was really a waste of a tank of gas to get there and back. Everything that was said, he could have told me over the phone really. Plus it was really, really bad weather. A tornado warning was issued as I was driving (in a big city i'm not familiar with). So add that to the stress of it all. Anyway, we are good to go w/ FET he said. We have 4 embryos and there is a 70% thaw rate, so hopefully we will have 3 to transfer. I just start the patches on day 1 and call to schedule day 13 appt. He stressed though to start the patches w/ very first site of bleeding/spotting. You know how normally day 1 isn't until actual flow. So anyway I guess that's where we're at and what I am now waiting on.

Oh, and he said baby aspirin wasn't necessary for me. Any ideas on this, should I take it anyway. I've heard so much about it helping and that it doesn't hurt to try it. I'd hate to go against his recommendation but.... you know the whole thing about me being my own best advocate... ??????

On The Ball

I must say, the RE's office is on the ball this week (or last week rather). I received the "Cryo Packet" in the mail, and it has everything that one needs to move on to FET. There is a cost sheet, instruction sheet, consent form and even all the necessary prescriptions (for estrogen patches, PIO & syringes & doxycycline). Wow, I am quite impressed. We are good to go, well, actually, now I'm waiting to hear that the b/w from today (at a local lab) reveals a 0 Beta HCG level.

Oh, does anyone have suggestions for questions to ask my RE when I go in on Friday for my Post IVF appointment? Other than, "what went wrong?" Things like, "should I take low dose aspirin this time for FET?" What about if they will transfer day 3 or do they let them go to day 5 blast? Or does it make a difference? There's only 4. I'm guessing they will thaw all 4 (pray that all make it) and transfer all of them. So, it may be that day 3 or day 5 won't matter. I don't know, I'm just starting on this new obsession and trying to get hope back. One thing's for sure, I'm not telling a soul. No one (IRL) except DH will know about this. They will just know that it's something we are going to do, just not right now. The superstitious part of me feels that everyone was too hopeful and acted like it was "in the bag" so to speak. I wasn't the one telling everyone either. Thanks Mom and MIL and DH and SIL. I know they are (were) all excited, but geeezz.

*Updated to add: Beta HCG is now "in the negative range" according to the nurse. I guess that's a 0. So, no more b/w, for this cycle is done.