Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Hopeless

Well, I got the call. Beta was negative. Just as I expected. So, that's it. I am done here. I am to stop all meds and I removed my patches.

Thanks for all the support and well wishes. You guys are great! I will probably still lurk around out of habit.

As for my next step... um, well, I just had my first caffeine drink in 2 weeks... a big ole Coca Cola, and then I'll probably have my first alcohol drink in a little while... not sure yet what it will be, either a Budlight or a homemade from scratch pina colada... yummy... or maybe one or several of each. I just took a long, hot shower and then a long hot bath.

As for my next step on the IF front... um, well, I'm not sure. I had to talk DH into doing IVF this one time (1 fresh & 1 FET). I had hoped for more embryos to do more FET's but that wasn't the case. So, now it's back to square one. We are completely out of money, so I'll have to save up on my own and beg him to possibly do another one. It's not that he doesn't want a baby, he just can't justify spending that kind of money on it. As for me, I could do it over and over at least a couple more times. I guess it's the desperation. As for now, it's time to lose about 20 lbs and try to enjoy the summer.

Wow, I sound really upbeat. It's weird like that. Maybe it's the estrogen patches, because on one hand I'm relieved and ready to move on, but on the other, I'm facing my empty life. That's what it is... an empty life, full of hang overs and avoidance. I've turned into a total freak. It's like I can't carry on a conversation with anyone, I can't relate to anyone (except you wonderful people). It's this big ugly thing hovering over my head... argh!

Alright, I'm tired of talking about it, and my eyes are burning.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

1 day until Beta

And I don't feel anything other than AF type twinges/cramps. I'm hoping for a miracle. I don't have any sore bb's or any other pg type symptoms. I did POAS yesterday and got a BFN. It was not an early pg test, so I'm hoping it was just too early. I have been extremely moody, but I think this is due to this being IT (along w/ the estrogen patches). Anyway, at this point, it has either worked or it hasn't. Please let this have worked.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

I have CRS... BAD!!!

I can't remember shit!... CRS! I can't remember if I take my vitamins & aspirin in the mornings. The other day, I couldn't think of a guy's name (at work) that I talk to on a regular basis. I forgot about the PIO that one night... CRAP! I just had a panic as to if I was supposed to have put on 4 new estrogen patches today. I had to break out the calendar and count back to a day when I could specifically remember having put them on. I couldn't think of what those little red bugs were called (and I was even looking at a picture of one)... um, a lady bug... helloooo ??? I mean, WTF? This has been going on since before the transfer, or I think it did... I CAN'T REMEMBER. I feel like such a scatter brain, and that is so not like me. Maybe it's the evil progesterone.

I feel like there's more... but once again, I can't remember!!! hahaha...

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

All In Knots

I wanted to report that, during the night, I had a weird feeling in my ute area. It wasn't really cramping. I don't think it was gas, etc. It was like a knot feeling, like my whole uterus was a knot (tight feeling). It was still there after I got up to pee and didn't get worse or subside, but it was just enough discomfort for me to be take note. This morning it was gone... I am at 5dp3dt.

Oh, I found something new to do while I'm awake in the middle of the night... I rub my butt to help the PIO knots go away. All the while I try to find the next place for DH to stab me in between them.

Just got the call from the nurse about my "Half Time" labs bloodwork. My E2 is at 196 and P4 is at 50. She said everything looks good and to keep on the patches and PIO.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Off and Running

The 2WW is off and running. This is 3dp3dt (if my math is correct) and hopefully implantation is in full swing. I have noticed a good amount more of CM but that is probably just the progesterone or estrogen or pineapple.

Funny story... I had cut up the most delicious pineapple (from Sam's Club) and had it chillin in the fridge for the week. Well, my Brother and SIL came by with their plethera of girls (ages 5, 7, 8 & 12). Anyway, I had plenty of it (the container was bulging) so I offered them some. I tell you what, it's a good thing I had already eaten some earlier, because it was gone in about 2 minutes. It looked like a feeding frenzy, I swear... hahaha. I should have known better. Usually those girls won't eat anything but junk food. I figured they may eat about half of it. Boy, was I wrong. This morning I had to go get another one. Of course, it's not nearly as ripe and sweet yet, but I cut it up anyway and ate some near the top that was pretty ripe (and yummy sweet).

Saturday, April 12, 2008

4 on Board

Well, transfer went well yesterday. I didn't get a chance to post because of being on bedrest. Anyway, all four embryos thawed, but they weren't all of great quality. There was an 8 cell grade 2, a 6 cell grade 2, a 4 cell grade 3 and a 3 cell grade 3. The RE said the first two were ok, but the other two were not so ok. So that's it. All four were transferred. I'm not too optimistic about this, but there's not much I can do at this point. I have been taking a prenatal vitamin w/ an extra folic acid vitamin and a low dose aspirin. Hopefully, this will do the trick. Oh, and don't forget the pineapple. I'm such a dork, I know... :)

I have half time labs on 04/16 where they check E2 & P4 and then Beta, E2 & P4 on 04/23. Now it's just time to wait it out.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

More Info

I spoke with the nurse this morning. I called to remind them that I am 2 1/2 hours away. And she said that they had that down in my chart, but she did give me a tentative time for transfer... 10:30 am on Friday, 04/11. Yeaaaa, now was that so hard for them. She said they wouldn't be thawing until that morning so they won't be able to give any kind of a thaw report. I guess if the embryos make it, they make it. If they don't, they don't, and they'll call me on the road. Also, I'll have "Half Time" labs on the 16th and then my Beta will be on the 23rd. I had to ask (finally) what the half time labs are. She said they just check my levels (E2 & P4) half-way thru the 2WW. I guess my 2WW actually starts today. Oh, and I now know the strong urine smell is from the PIO... b/c it's baaaack. Only 2 days on it and yuck. Another "Oh"... I forgot about the PIO last night. DH mentioned it at 9:38pm and I said "CRAP, I knew there was something I was forgetting."

Also, I went to the Chiropractor Monday. Man, I was overdue for a neck crackin'. And then, I splurged and got a massage Tuesday. Man, it was heaven. I'm hoping it helped me to relax. I tried to tell her about what all is going on. Little did I know that she is a very "Fertile"... 5 (grown) kids and all. She kept telling me to relax and visualize being pg, etc, etc. I do need to relax, my whole right side of my body is so tense. I think it's from 15 years of computer work. She also told me to not let anybody massage my feet or ankles once I do the transfer and get pg. Which I'm glad to have someone who "knows" to tell me something to do or not do. I felt so good yesterday afternoon. I need to do that more often.

Anyway, my DH's DD friend requested me on MySpace. I'm such an old person. I do have an account, but I don't have any pictures or anything. I basically opened an account (months ago) with the minimum info required, just to look up other people... hahahaha. I accepted her request, but now I feel somewhat like an idiot b/c I don't have anything (photos, etc) in my profile. And no, I'm not gonna rush out and start posting stuff. I just don't want to take the time. Maybe I can do a little bit here and there during the 2WW.

Monday, April 7, 2008

Lining Check

Today is day 14 and I had my lining check along w/ b/w & u/s. At first, the RE thought it was only a 6T, but after a little more poking and prodding, he said it was an 8t. I was hoping for something closer to a 10, but I guess an 8 will do. Transfer is set for Friday, 4/11. They will call me that morning with the time to come in. Hopefully, my lining will thicken even more over the next few days. I'm up to 4 patches every other day and I started the PIO and doxycycline (antibiotic) today.

I can't help but notice how my emotions are all over the place today. Hope is no where to be found - thankfully. I just can't get out of my mind that this will probably not work. One minute, I'm fine with it and the next, I'm tearing up. I'm trying to stay busy to keep my mind off of it.

DH's DD came over yesterday w/ her DD. It was a good visit. She stayed pretty late (midnite) and she and DH talked the whole time. I went to bed around 9 b/c I had to get up to drive 2.5 hours to my RE appt. this morning. I was a little annoyed that she would keep a baby (9 mo old) out until midnite! Am I over-reacting about this? Anyway, her DH works until 12, so I guess she's used to staying up w/ the baby to go pick him up from work. I had made a pallet on the floor for her to lay her down on, but I could hear her still awake from my bed (around midnite). Oh well, I'm not gonna judge (too much). I'm just glad that DH and she were able to talk for a long period of time.

Anyway, more later... just waiting on Friday... yeaaa!!! Pray that all 4 embryos thaw ok... the RE is expecting that only 3 will make it (70-75% rate). Either way, we're a go for FET as I'm paid up... $1,927.00.

Friday, April 4, 2008

Gettin It Done

Well, I just e-filed our tax returns... YEAAAAA! just in time for TGIF. Now, on to next week's FET. I think I am really nervous about it. What if it doesn't work? This is it. There are no more embryos to try again. The only way we could try again is if MIL gives us more $ (and specifically says to use it for another try), or we win the lottery, or I get a job w/ IVF coverage. On top of that, I practically had to beg DH to do this one try. He's not one to spend so much money on something without there being better odds (you know). This is the reason MIL would have to specifically say to use the $ for IVF. He would not go for it, unless this happens.

On the other hand, it would be a relief to get back to living.

Things I would do if this doesn't work:

1. Go on a crazy diet and lose weight
2. Exercise.
3. Travel, travel, travel.
4. Get a 2 seater sports car.
5. Go all out on renovating our house.

There are more, but they've skipped my mind.

But............. What if it does work? Crap, I'm not gonna let hope get even a toe in the door. I'm just too superstitious. I did tell my Mom, MIL, SIL & BIL just because they've asked.

It's almost here. I'm up to 4 patches and I go in on Monday for lining check. So, next week will be somewhat eventful.